We've all gone through things that have made us into the person we are today. Some have been encouraging and others wounding, but either way we grow from the experiences. Recently the Lord has been so sweet to show me real life examples of how He has healed my wounds and how I have grown from them....He's so sweet to do that for me because a lot of the time I get frustrated and don't understand why I've gone through some things I have. Sometimes I forget to look back and see how He has used my mistakes for his glory. I get selfish and make it about me when it's totally and completely about Him. He just chooses to use me in my gross sin and weakness...
Side note, Now back to what I was saying about what He showed me... :)
One specific example that I cannot stop thinking about has to do with taking a shower.
In one of my past relationships my boyfriend was very jealous and possessive, which caused him to be abusive. He would do ridiculous things to me and one of them was time to me when I took a shower. For some irrational reason he thought if I took longer than a 5 minute shower I was cheating on him. Eventhough I was in my own house with my parents...So if I wasn't done with my shower within five minutes I would come back to a phone of 30 text messages and 10 missed calls...ridiculous I know. But for the past five years I have been taking 5 minute showers without realizing it I would get in and out as fast as I could. Because it was what I had always done....
Wednesday night was different....I didn't jump in and out of the shower...and I didn't feel guilty about it either. I seriously stood in the shower for 25 minutes. Just standing there, smiling. I realized at that moment when I didn't feel fear or guilt that I was FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!
After five years of him having control over parts of my life I finally was free! Every part of my life was free from his abuse and control!!! Free from his pressure and from his lies he fed me for so many years! Free from lies like "No one will every love you like I love you" or "You're not pretty enough for anyone else" or "you're not worth loving", "you're fat" or "you deserve this" or "this is all your fault"--I'm free from those not because I'm in another relationship (because I'm not) or because I found fulfillment in another person, but because I finally trust Jesus with every part of my life. I trust him with my future, my present, and my past. For so long I have quoted Jeremiah 29:11, but did not truly believe the words I was saying....Now I do. Now I trust Jesus with my past because His word says that he separates us from our sin as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). He has covered my past with His blood! I knew this before but was holding on to the past because I always had. I guess I was comfortable with it and comfortable living in fear of guys and what they could do to me.
But now, I have given my past to Jesus. I have given my past to Jesus. I have given Him the hurt and the happiness. All the memories I give to Him and am okay with whatever He wants to do with them. I trust Jesus with my past and have surrendered it to Him. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to live in fear of getting hurt in any way anymore. I'm ready to see what Jesus has planned for me.
I'm ready to see the beauty He'll make from these ashes because He is faithful. He's faithful even when I am not. He's faithful because that is who He is. I trust Jesus with my past because of who He is.
I trust Jesus with my past because now when I look in the mirror I no longer see an unlovable, ugly girl--I see a lovely, beautiful daughter of the Mighty King of this universe who is worthy of love because of what He has done for her! I've seen His faithfulness and know He will never change!!!
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
20 Random Things
So, I'm pretty random, quirky and I like really random things. My mom calls me "well-rounded", but you know moms, they all think their babies are something special. Lol
I'm gonna tell y'all 20 random things about me...
1. I absolutely LOVE Jesus. He has won my heart and holds it forever. I'll never love anyone or anything more than I love Him. He has saved me from death and never fails to give me joy and peace in times of trials. He has proved himself worthy of my life and heart by all He's done for me.
2. I have the best family in the world! We have been through so much the past couple of months and through it all, we have grown to love each other more. I think we've learned what it means to be selfless and pick each other up when things aren't going the way we planned for them to go.
3. I hardly ever get mad and if I ever do I can't stay mad for very long. I don't see the point in anger--it takes away from the beauty of life. Life is precious and priceless, and anger tips the joy of life away.
4. Baking is my favorite form of therapy. I love it. It's relaxing to me. I like to bake for other people, I guess it's a way I show love.
5. I love painting. I get very self conscious of my painting because I don't think they are very good, but painting is a way I worship the Lord. I love reading verses and letting the Lord give me a picture in my imagination and then putting it on canvas.
6. Sunflowers are my favorite flower. I'd take them over roses any day!!!
7. I'm a little kid at heart. I don't take things too seriously, unless I know I have to. I like to play on playgrounds (swinging is my favorite), to watch Disney movies, and to color. Life is too precious to not have fun!
8. I have a huge screw in my fifth metatarsal.
9. My favorite color is blue, but favorite color to wear is black (no, I'm not gothic, just classy).
10. Africa is my favorite place in the world. I haven't been many other places, but I know it's my favorite. I live the people, the culture, and the land. It's beautiful!
11. My dream would to one day open a home for women and children who are "stuck" in abusive relationships. I think I have gone through certain things in my life to be able to relate to these people, and have a heart to make them know their worth and value, and that they shouldn't be treated like this.
12. My other dream would be to be a public speaker to promote awareness I what abusive teenage relationships look like and to share my story with teenage girls all over.
13. I have curly hair. I usually wear it straight, but it's naturally curly.
14. I played softball for 14 years and miss it every day.
15. Baseball is my favorite! I have this dream to go to every baseball stadium in america before I die.
16. Spring is my favorite season. It just makes you feel happy and like its a season of new beginnings.
17. I can't wait to be a mom and wife one day. I can't wait to get to serve and love someone selflessly for the rest of my life!
18. I'm a terrible dancer, but I love it!!
19. I sing really loud in the car by myself to all different kinds of music, anything but screemo and techno!
20. I really hate talking about myself. I'd rather listen to someone else talk, but I do talk a lot.
I'm gonna tell y'all 20 random things about me...
1. I absolutely LOVE Jesus. He has won my heart and holds it forever. I'll never love anyone or anything more than I love Him. He has saved me from death and never fails to give me joy and peace in times of trials. He has proved himself worthy of my life and heart by all He's done for me.
2. I have the best family in the world! We have been through so much the past couple of months and through it all, we have grown to love each other more. I think we've learned what it means to be selfless and pick each other up when things aren't going the way we planned for them to go.
3. I hardly ever get mad and if I ever do I can't stay mad for very long. I don't see the point in anger--it takes away from the beauty of life. Life is precious and priceless, and anger tips the joy of life away.
4. Baking is my favorite form of therapy. I love it. It's relaxing to me. I like to bake for other people, I guess it's a way I show love.
5. I love painting. I get very self conscious of my painting because I don't think they are very good, but painting is a way I worship the Lord. I love reading verses and letting the Lord give me a picture in my imagination and then putting it on canvas.
6. Sunflowers are my favorite flower. I'd take them over roses any day!!!
7. I'm a little kid at heart. I don't take things too seriously, unless I know I have to. I like to play on playgrounds (swinging is my favorite), to watch Disney movies, and to color. Life is too precious to not have fun!
8. I have a huge screw in my fifth metatarsal.
9. My favorite color is blue, but favorite color to wear is black (no, I'm not gothic, just classy).
10. Africa is my favorite place in the world. I haven't been many other places, but I know it's my favorite. I live the people, the culture, and the land. It's beautiful!
11. My dream would to one day open a home for women and children who are "stuck" in abusive relationships. I think I have gone through certain things in my life to be able to relate to these people, and have a heart to make them know their worth and value, and that they shouldn't be treated like this.
12. My other dream would be to be a public speaker to promote awareness I what abusive teenage relationships look like and to share my story with teenage girls all over.
13. I have curly hair. I usually wear it straight, but it's naturally curly.
14. I played softball for 14 years and miss it every day.
15. Baseball is my favorite! I have this dream to go to every baseball stadium in america before I die.
16. Spring is my favorite season. It just makes you feel happy and like its a season of new beginnings.
17. I can't wait to be a mom and wife one day. I can't wait to get to serve and love someone selflessly for the rest of my life!
18. I'm a terrible dancer, but I love it!!
19. I sing really loud in the car by myself to all different kinds of music, anything but screemo and techno!
20. I really hate talking about myself. I'd rather listen to someone else talk, but I do talk a lot.
Friday, March 9, 2012
30 Things
So I kinda stole these questions from another girl's blog I found on Pinterest. I thought it would be fun to answer these questions about myself: dreams, passions, hopes, strengths, weaknesses, etc...This could potentially be hilarious for me and for whoever reads this.
Here's the questions:
- List 20 random facts about yourself.
- Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
- Describe your relationship with your parents.
- List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could.
- What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
- What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
- What is your dream job, and why?
- What are 5 passions you have?
- List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
- Describe your most embarrassing moment.
- Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
- Describe a typical day in your current life.
- Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
- Describe 5 strengths you have.
- If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
- What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
- What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
- What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
- If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
- Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
- If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
- Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
- List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
- Describe your family dynamics of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
- If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
- What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
- What is your favorite part of your body and why?
- What is your love language?
- What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
- List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Tattoos & Scars
We all have scars--internal and external we all have them. The external ones may be from falling off a bike or breaking a bone and having surgery. And the internal, well we live in a broken world, so we've all had our heart broken once or twice...
Today at work I was looking at my feet...weird I know, but sometimes there's nothing better to do when you're lifeguarding an empty pool....I looked at my left foot and saw a few scars. One particularly got me thinking. It was the scar from when I got a thorn in my foot in Uganda, Africa and had to go to the hospital....yes, the Ugandan hospital! I was reminded of how faithful the Lord was in using the unfortunate discouraging event and using it for me to experience His love. I remember sitting in the emergency room with a child screaming a bed over (we think he was being circumcised but that's besides the point) and my mind could do only one thing...and that was pray! The Lord taught me during that time that in the craziness and when life gets loud to just pray. Talk to the man One who has my heart and can bring peace and comfort...I needed to hear this today. The Lord knew it...maybe that's why he made no one come in the pool for so long :)
My reflection on internal scars goes with my tattoo story, so I'll get to that in a second. I have two tattoos, yes, I said it, two. One I got when I turned 18 as an act of rebellion because I knew my parents would hate it. And the other is on my wrist. It says "Love 1 Cor. 13"...or at least that's what it's supposed to say. It actually says, "Love 1 Chor 13"...if you know me, you know I'm a TERRIBLE speller, and when I say terrible I mean really really TERRIBLE! So being a terrible speller didn't help the fact that I hadn't opens my bible in probably a year....so when I went to get my tattoo I drew it out and as soon as I knew it it was permanent. I went home, opened my bible and found that my tattoo was misspelled. Yes, MISSPELLED!!! Theres no H in Corinthians, well not at the beginning at least. So I laughed for a second, and then I cried for longer than that. I thought of what an idiot I would look like when I showed people and how they'd laugh at me. So for the longed time I tried to cover it up and when people saw it I'd get really nervous about whether they'd even notice it or not. Then one day I showed a friend and she pointed out what a cool story it is and what a reminder of how far the Lord has brought me...so every time I see it I think of the deep pit the Lord drew me out of and how I am so thankful He did.
When I see it I think of all the times my heart has been broken, and how the Lord has restored it every time. My heart has been broken in the past from an abusive ex-boyfriend and hurtful words from the world around me, and recently from losing my Pa-a man I look up to and love so much. But my scars make me thankful, not afraid to live life, but thankful that I have a mighty God who restores the broken hearted and comforts those who mourn.
So when you look at your scars remember the past, remember what caused them, and be thankful for where the Lord has brought you from. Remember the faithfulness of Jesus and how He never leaves. Never.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned." Psalm 34:18, 19, 22
Today at work I was looking at my feet...weird I know, but sometimes there's nothing better to do when you're lifeguarding an empty pool....I looked at my left foot and saw a few scars. One particularly got me thinking. It was the scar from when I got a thorn in my foot in Uganda, Africa and had to go to the hospital....yes, the Ugandan hospital! I was reminded of how faithful the Lord was in using the unfortunate discouraging event and using it for me to experience His love. I remember sitting in the emergency room with a child screaming a bed over (we think he was being circumcised but that's besides the point) and my mind could do only one thing...and that was pray! The Lord taught me during that time that in the craziness and when life gets loud to just pray. Talk to the man One who has my heart and can bring peace and comfort...I needed to hear this today. The Lord knew it...maybe that's why he made no one come in the pool for so long :)
My reflection on internal scars goes with my tattoo story, so I'll get to that in a second. I have two tattoos, yes, I said it, two. One I got when I turned 18 as an act of rebellion because I knew my parents would hate it. And the other is on my wrist. It says "Love 1 Cor. 13"...or at least that's what it's supposed to say. It actually says, "Love 1 Chor 13"...if you know me, you know I'm a TERRIBLE speller, and when I say terrible I mean really really TERRIBLE! So being a terrible speller didn't help the fact that I hadn't opens my bible in probably a year....so when I went to get my tattoo I drew it out and as soon as I knew it it was permanent. I went home, opened my bible and found that my tattoo was misspelled. Yes, MISSPELLED!!! Theres no H in Corinthians, well not at the beginning at least. So I laughed for a second, and then I cried for longer than that. I thought of what an idiot I would look like when I showed people and how they'd laugh at me. So for the longed time I tried to cover it up and when people saw it I'd get really nervous about whether they'd even notice it or not. Then one day I showed a friend and she pointed out what a cool story it is and what a reminder of how far the Lord has brought me...so every time I see it I think of the deep pit the Lord drew me out of and how I am so thankful He did.
When I see it I think of all the times my heart has been broken, and how the Lord has restored it every time. My heart has been broken in the past from an abusive ex-boyfriend and hurtful words from the world around me, and recently from losing my Pa-a man I look up to and love so much. But my scars make me thankful, not afraid to live life, but thankful that I have a mighty God who restores the broken hearted and comforts those who mourn.
So when you look at your scars remember the past, remember what caused them, and be thankful for where the Lord has brought you from. Remember the faithfulness of Jesus and how He never leaves. Never.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned." Psalm 34:18, 19, 22
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)