Give Me Faith

"Give me faith to trust what you say that You're good and Your love is great.."

I've sung these words so many times but never thought God would take them so literal. Right now I'm in a season of growth in my faith. Things are happening in my life that I do not at all understand. I don't understand why one of my best friends has to bury her mom when she's 22 years old. I don't understand why there are starving kids in Africa but every where you look there's an all-you-can-eat buffet or a place that you can supersize something. Or how I can take a clean, hot shower every day, three times a day sometimes, yet there are places that don't even have running water OR clean water...I don't understand this. I don't understand how such a loving God can let terrible things happen to his children. I don't understand how people, Gods children who are so loved and fortunate, can be so greedy and hateful. I don't understand why God lets there be war and murder and hatred. How girls can feel inadequate every day because of this society we live in and never know their true value as beautiful daughters of a mighty king....I just don't understand...

I just don't...and I don't think I ever will...

I can beat myself up and get depressed and by all these things I will never understand, or I can have faith.

I can have faith that God is good and that He loves me. Me! He loves me more than I could ever imagine. He gives me hope. I can have faith that He is faithful and generous. That He is just and fair when nothing else in the world is. And that he is kind, oh my God is so kind and sweet to me. That He comforts me and is never far away. That He separated me from my sin as far as the east is from the west. That I have the hope and strength to face tomorrow because He's faithful and has already crushed my enemy. He's already WON and all I have to do is receive His love and receive His grace!!!!

That doesn't mean there won't be hard times, because there are. But the sweetness of the hard times is that joy comes in the morning. And there's always sun after the rain no matter what I may feel in the moment. God knows me better than I know myself and He knows what I need.

Faith is about trusting Him when I can't see the whole picture.
It's about knowing His heart---and I know His heart is for me because He loves me.

Faith isn't about understanding. It's about obedience. It's about trust. Faith is about surrendering and submitting.

So Lord, give me faith to TRUST what you say that you're good and your love is great...

Trust and Other Hard Things...

A sweet family friend of mine gave me a daily devotional called Jesus Calling. Now, I'm not one who usually does daily devotionals. I just didn't like them and that it makes me feel like if I read that one page I'm done with my time with Jesus for the day. But this one has been different. EVERY time I read it it's exactly what I need to hear....Every time!

Most of the things I read are about trust. I've always had a hard time with trusting. I think it has to do with my fear of giving up control, because if I can't do it on my own then I can't control it and if I can't control it then I don't know what the outcome is going to be....Jesus has been speaking to me a lot about that....March 18, 21, 26, 29....April 2, 7, 8, 10, 12, and 15....

Today's devotional about trust couldn't have come soon enough.
It says, "Trust me, and do not be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure. When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities. Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new. I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom. Say yes to the ways I work in your life. Trust Me, and don't be afraid."

"When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities."


I really don't like to give up control....I think because for so long someone else was telling me what to do, what to wear, and what to eat that now having me give up control is like pulling teeth. I don't like it. It's hard for me. It's especially hard for me to give up control of things that I know I have NO control over anyways. Today, one of my best friend's parents were in a car accident. Her dad is okay, but they're not saying it's good for her mom. I so badly want to go and fix everything. I want to heal her mom and put everything back to normal. I want to make her broken heart better and keep her from feeling this hurt and pain and suffering---but I can't. I can't do anything. I'm stuck in Abilene and can't do anything. All I can do is pray and trust that the Lord will be faithful to His word that He is our comfort.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's suffering, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for our comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7


I think in the midst of suffering I forget about the eternal comfort that I have....I think it's because I know it's not suppose to be like this. We're not suppose to suffer like this. People aren't suppose to die from being miserable and fighting cancer or suddenly have to fight for their lives because of a car accident. We're not suppose to have to mourn for those we love. We aren't suppose to grieve like this. WE WEREN'T CREATED FOR THIS! WE WERE CREATED FOR MORE! We were created for heavenly things, but we were selfish and greedy and had to reach for something God told us not to. And because of that we mourn. We suffer. We grieve. And we wait for the day when Jesus comes back riding on a cloud, trumpet roaring in air, and takes us home, forever. Where there is no more pain or sorrow or  hurt or jealousy or grief or despair or impatience or abuse or worthlessness or suicide or accidents. Everything is on purpose and everything is beautiful. And we will worship the Lord forever and ever. We will be restored to glory and finally be home.

It seems to me the closer we get to that day, the more suffering we endure. There seems to be more suffering in this world. The people I love are suffering more. I am grieving more....the day the Lord comes will be the most beautiful day!

Until that day we try and trust the Lord.
We try to trust His plan.
We try to give up control.
We try to stop trying to understand...
And we cling to the only hope we have. The hope found in our savior Jesus Christ, who will one day come and rescue us from this earth.

I cannot wait for the day when I hear the loud trumpet sound, brightness fills the earth, and I see my true love riding on a cloud to come and rescue me. To come and take me home. To lift me out of the hurt and pains of this world. I cannot wait for that day....

Lord, please come quickly!!!

Jeremiah 29:11

For the past few months I have watched my roommates walk into completely different seasons of life. Seasons where they are having to trust the Lord with the plans for the future and not rely on their own ability to make something happen...I haven't really thought much about it because I had a whole other year in school. Had? Yes, I said had....I found out a few Thursdays ago that wasn't the case anymore. I no longer would be graduating in May, but DECEMBER! Talk about shock! I will admit, I freaked out when I first got the news. I was scared, anxious, excited, shocked, terrified, happy, and felt like I was going to vomit all at the same time. I didn't have a year to plan or save or anything anymore. In less than a year I would graduate and have to leave the place I have called home for the past three years.

Needless to say, Jeremiah 29:11 was the last thing to come to mind....

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. then you will all upon me and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD..." 

We all have heard it a million times, especially in times like I had on Thursday. Times where we have NO idea what we are going to do with our lives. No idea of where we're going to live or work or what we're going to do. I have NO idea what this next season of life will look like for me. I do know a few things though. 

1. I know the Lord already knows and I trust Him because of who He is.
2. I know I love kids (especially teenagers) and want to spend the rest of my life serving them.
3. I know I'm willing to do whatever the Lord wants.
4. And, I know all I want is for people to come to know Jesus!

Other than those four things, I don't know what the future holds. I know that the Lord has placed on my heart, and that's teenagers and sharing the gospel with them. I know He's given me a heart for Africa and a heart to battle for people in prayer. Other than that.....I trust Him. 

I trust Him no matter what this next season holds. 

I trust Him and His plan for me because He knows me better than I know myself.

I trust Him because of who He is and not because of anything I have done...

I trust Him completely.

Psalm 23.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters, 

He restore my soul, 

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 

I will fear no evil, 

for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, 

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; 

you anoint my heard with oil; 

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, 

and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

A Simple Shower...

We've all gone through things that have made us into the person we are today. Some have been encouraging and others wounding, but either way we grow from the experiences. Recently the Lord has been so sweet to show me real life examples of how He has healed my wounds and how I have grown from them....He's so sweet to do that for me because a lot of the time I get frustrated and don't understand why I've gone through some things I have. Sometimes I forget to look back and see how He has used my mistakes for his glory. I get selfish and make it about me when it's totally and completely about Him. He just chooses to use me in my gross sin and weakness...

Side note, Now back to what I was saying about what He showed me... :)

One specific example that I cannot stop thinking about has to do with taking a shower.
In one of my past relationships my boyfriend was very jealous and possessive, which caused him to be abusive. He would do ridiculous things to me and one of them was time to me when I took a shower. For some irrational reason he thought if I took longer than a 5 minute shower I was cheating on him. Eventhough I was in my own house with my parents...So if I wasn't done with my shower within five minutes I would come back to a phone of 30 text messages and 10 missed calls...ridiculous I know. But for the past five years  I have been taking 5 minute showers without realizing it I would get in and out as fast as I could. Because it was what I had always done....

Wednesday night was different....I didn't jump in and out of the shower...and I didn't feel guilty about it either. I seriously stood in the shower for 25 minutes. Just standing there, smiling. I realized at that moment when I didn't feel fear or guilt that I was FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!

After five years of him having control over parts of my life I finally was free! Every part of my life was free from his abuse and control!!! Free from his pressure and from his lies he fed me for so many years! Free from lies like "No one will every love you like I love you" or "You're not pretty enough for anyone else" or "you're not worth loving", "you're fat" or "you deserve this" or "this is all your fault"--I'm free from those not because I'm in another relationship (because I'm not) or because I found fulfillment in another person, but because I finally trust Jesus with every part of my life. I trust him with my future, my present, and my past. For so long I have quoted Jeremiah 29:11, but did not truly believe the words I was saying....Now I do. Now I trust Jesus with my past because His word says that he separates us from our sin as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). He has covered my past with His blood! I knew this before but was holding on to the past because I always had. I guess I was comfortable with it and comfortable living in fear of guys and what they could do to me.

But now, I have given my past to Jesus. I have given my past to Jesus. I have given Him the hurt and the happiness. All the memories I give to Him and am okay with whatever He wants to do with them. I trust Jesus with my past and have surrendered it to Him. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to live in fear of getting hurt in any way anymore. I'm ready to see what Jesus has planned for me.

I'm ready to see the beauty He'll make from these ashes because He is faithful. He's faithful even when I am not. He's faithful because that is who He is. I trust Jesus with my past because of who He is.

I trust Jesus with my past because now when I look in the mirror I no longer see an unlovable, ugly girl--I see a lovely, beautiful daughter of the Mighty King of this universe who is worthy of love because of what He has done for her! I've seen His faithfulness and know He will never change!!!


“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 

20 Random Things

So, I'm pretty random, quirky and I like really random things. My mom calls me "well-rounded", but you know moms, they all think their babies are something special. Lol

I'm gonna tell y'all 20 random things about me...

1. I absolutely LOVE Jesus. He has won my heart and holds it forever. I'll never love anyone or anything more than I love Him. He has saved me from death and never fails to give me joy and peace in times of trials. He has proved himself worthy of my life and heart by all He's done for me.

2. I have the best family in the world! We have been through so much the past couple of months and through it all, we have grown to love each other more. I think we've learned what it means to be selfless and pick each other up when things aren't going the way we planned for them to go.

3. I hardly ever get mad and if I ever do I can't stay mad for very long. I don't see the point in anger--it takes away from the beauty of life. Life is precious and priceless, and anger tips the joy of life away.

4. Baking is my favorite form of therapy. I love it. It's relaxing to me. I like to bake for other people, I guess it's a way I show love.

5. I love painting. I get very self conscious of my painting because I don't think they are very good, but painting is a way I worship the Lord. I love reading verses and letting the Lord give me a picture in my imagination and then putting it on canvas.

6. Sunflowers are my favorite flower. I'd take them over roses any day!!!

7. I'm a little kid at heart. I don't take things too seriously, unless I know I have to. I like to play on playgrounds (swinging is my favorite), to watch Disney movies, and to color. Life is too precious to not have fun!

8. I have a huge screw in my fifth metatarsal.

9. My favorite color is blue, but favorite color to wear is black (no, I'm not gothic, just classy).

10. Africa is my favorite place in the world. I haven't been many other places, but I know it's my favorite. I live the people, the culture, and the land. It's beautiful!

11. My dream would to one day open a home for women and children who are "stuck" in abusive relationships. I think I have gone through certain things in my life to be able to relate to these people, and have a heart to make them know their worth and value, and that they shouldn't be treated like this.

12. My other dream would be to be a public speaker to promote awareness I what abusive teenage relationships look like and to share my story with teenage girls all over.

13. I have curly hair. I usually wear it straight, but it's naturally curly.

14. I played softball for 14 years and miss it every day.

15. Baseball is my favorite! I have this dream to go to every baseball stadium in america before I die.

16. Spring is my favorite season. It just makes you feel happy and like its a season of new beginnings.

17. I can't wait to be a mom and wife one day. I can't wait to get to serve and love someone selflessly for the rest of my life!

18. I'm a terrible dancer, but I love it!!

19. I sing really loud in the car by myself to all different kinds of music, anything but screemo and techno!

20. I really hate talking about myself. I'd rather listen to someone else talk, but I do talk a lot.

30 Things

So I kinda stole these questions from another girl's blog I found on Pinterest. I thought it would be fun to answer these questions about myself: dreams, passions, hopes, strengths, weaknesses, etc...This could potentially be hilarious for me and for whoever reads this.

Here's the questions: 

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamics of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Tattoos & Scars

We all have scars--internal and external we all have them. The external ones may be from falling off a bike or breaking a bone and having surgery. And the internal, well we live in a broken world, so we've all had our heart broken once or twice...

Today at work I was looking at my feet...weird I know, but sometimes there's nothing better to do when you're lifeguarding an empty pool....I looked at my left foot and saw a few scars. One particularly got me thinking. It was the scar from when I got a thorn in my foot in Uganda, Africa and had to go to the hospital....yes, the Ugandan hospital! I was reminded of how faithful the Lord was in using the unfortunate discouraging event and using it for me to experience His love. I remember sitting in the emergency room with a child screaming a bed over (we think he was being circumcised but that's besides the point) and my mind could do only one thing...and that was pray! The Lord taught me during that time that in the craziness and when life gets loud to just pray. Talk to the man One who has my heart and can bring peace and comfort...I needed to hear this today. The Lord knew it...maybe that's why he made no one come in the pool for so long :)

My reflection on internal scars goes with my tattoo story, so I'll get to that in a second. I have two tattoos, yes, I said it, two. One I got when I turned 18 as an act of rebellion because I knew my parents would hate it. And the other is on my wrist. It says "Love 1 Cor. 13"...or at least that's what it's supposed to say. It actually says, "Love 1 Chor 13"...if you know me, you know I'm a TERRIBLE speller, and when I say terrible I mean really really TERRIBLE! So being a terrible speller didn't help the fact that I hadn't opens my bible in probably a year....so when I went to get my tattoo I drew it out and as soon as I knew it it was permanent. I went home, opened my bible and found that my tattoo was misspelled. Yes, MISSPELLED!!! Theres no H in Corinthians, well not at the beginning at least. So I laughed for a second, and then I cried for longer than that. I thought of what an idiot I would look like when I showed people and how they'd laugh at me. So for the longed time I tried to cover it up and when people saw it I'd get really nervous about whether they'd even notice it or not. Then one day I showed a friend and she pointed out what a cool story it is and what a reminder of how far the Lord has brought me...so every time I see it I think of the deep pit the Lord drew me out of and how I am so thankful He did.

When I see it I think of all the times my heart has been broken, and how the Lord has restored it every time. My heart has been broken in the past from an abusive ex-boyfriend and hurtful words from the world around me, and recently from losing my Pa-a man I look up to and love so much. But my scars make me thankful, not afraid to live life, but thankful that I have a mighty God who restores the broken hearted and comforts those who mourn.

So when you look at your scars remember the past, remember what caused them, and be thankful for where the Lord has brought you from. Remember the faithfulness of Jesus and how He never leaves. Never.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned." Psalm 34:18, 19, 22

Nearer, My God, to thee, nearer to Thee!

Two weeks ago today my Pa went home to be with Jesus...

You'd think after two weeks it would have gotten easier, but it hasn't. If anything, it's harder. I miss him so much more. I miss my family so much more! I know Pa will want me to move on and be happy, and there are moments when I am very happy, but there are also moments when I am sad. I'm starting to have more happy/content moments, but I'm still sad. I also feel like I haven't had time to be sad. I haven't had time to cry, to weep. I feel like I've been shoved back into school and work and being social and I just want time to be sad. So, that's what I'm doing right now. I'm being sad.....On a Saturday night I sit in my room, crying...

I know these tears will turn to laughing one day and this sadness will turn into joy. That is what I'm clinging to.
That is my only HOPE!

Contentment

As I sat on my couch watching Sweet Home Alabama cuddled up in my blanket tonight, I felt a feeling I have never felt before. It was a feeling that was happy and peaceful. I didn't find myself longing to be anywhere else. I didn't find myself longing to be with anyone else. And I didn't find myself longing to be doing anything else.

I'll just be honest, usually I am wanting to be with a boy. Any boy. Most of the time it's a man with the qualities I have always dreamed of, but sometimes it's anyone. Sometimes I decide to settle. Sometimes I decide to compromise every dream I have ever had just to be with someone, anyone. Sometimes, I'm beyond desperate.

But tonight wasn't like that.
I felt at peace with where I was.
I felt happy.
I felt content.

If I have learned anything over these last couple of weeks while watching my Pa die and seeing the impact he had on so many people it's this: I HAVE to live my life for Jesus and Him alone. He is first and then everything else will fall into place.

For so long I have preached those words to so many people. I've told them to myself so many times as well, but never really got it. I never really grabbed hold of what that really meant until now. I GET IT!!!
Living a life that matters means living in contentment. It's not becoming apathetic or stagnant, but being content with where you are, what you have, and who you're with; and using all those things to glorify Jesus and be a light in the darkness. It's keeping your integrity and using every opportunity you have to bring glory to the name of Jesus!

I don't know where this contentment came from, but I'm thankful it did.

The Preacher Won't Have to Lie by Paul O'Rear

This is the article the preacher of my Great-Grandmother and Aunt's church wrote after attending my Pa's funeral on Tuesday. 

"I attended the funeral of Bob Pearson in Waco on Tuesday. Bob was the son of Bernice Pearson and the brother of Delores Pearson. My heart aches for these two wonderful Christian ladies, and for the rest of Bob’s family, in their tremendous loss.

As I sat there listening to three different men talk about Bob — the kind of family man and friend and church leader and business man that he was — I found myself thinking, “I sure would like to have known Bob.” It was obvious from the heartfelt comments made at the funeral, and from the number of people in attendance, that Bob Pearson was a good man, a godly man, a man who made a positive difference in the lives of those who knew him.

Funerals can be funny things. (Not funny as in “ha ha”, obviously, but rather funny as in odd or interesting.) The meanest scoundrel is often made out to be a beneficent humanitarian at his funeral. Preachers feel obligated to say something nice about the deceased at his funeral, even if they have to dig deep and look hard to find it. That's just the nature of funerals.

There’s an old Lee Ann Womack song entitled, “The Preacher Won’t Have to Lie”. The chorus says, “The choices you make, the chances you take, they'll follow you all of your life. I'm just tryin' to live so when I die, the preacher won't have to lie.”

The preacher didn’t have to lie at Bob Pearson’s funeral on Wednesday. I hope that you and I can live our lives in such a way that the preacher won’t have to lie at our funerals, either."

15 Days of Sorrow....

"A time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" Ecclesiastes 3: 3-4

December 27, 2011 was a time of weeping.

January 7, 2012 started a time of mourning.

The promise I cling to is after the weeping there is laughter. And after the mourning there is dancing.

I love to laugh.
I'm a terrible dancer, but I love to dance.

Enough

"Your grace is sufficient for me.
Your strength is made perfect when I am weak.
All that I cling to I lay at your feet.
Your grace is sufficient for me."
By: Shane & Shane

"Sufficient"--adj. Enough, adequate

I look around me and everyone is dating, engaged, or married...
Then I ask myself...
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why is no one pursuing me?"
"Am I not attractive?"
"Am I not funny enough?"
"Am I not lovable?"
"God, why is it not time for me? What else do I need to work on? What else? I'm being faithful. I'm not sleeping around. I'm not running around flirting with every boy I'm around. What else do I have to do??!!!"
At this point I can honestly say I'm getting angry and impatient.
Then I hear a still soft voice that says, "My grace is sufficient for you. Am I not enough?"
Me: "I thought we'd been through this. Of course you're enough God. Of course you are."
God: "Okay, then let me be enough in every area of your life. Let me be enough for your heart sweet daughter."

I feel like me and God go through this conversation often. I know He never gets tired of it, but I sure do. I get tired of struggling to let the Lord be enough. I get tired of being frustrated that He is the only one to tell me I'm beautiful, that I'm lovable, that I'm enough---Why can't I just let Him be enough? Why can't I just let His words be the only ones that matter? Why do I long for someone to tell me the things the Lord already does? Why?.....

Why can't I let His grace be sufficient for me
Why can't I let Him be enough?

Living Water

Recently I've gone on a health kit. I've been loving reading about new exercises, tips for runners, and nutrition. Today I read an interesting fact about water. I'm sure I've heard it before, but today I looked at it in a different way.

"Our body, like the earth, is 60 per cent to 70 per cent water. We float in water even before we’re born. Survival is possible for a few weeks without food, but for only a few days without water. About two litres of water is lost daily through breathing, sweating and kidney function. Water is part of every cell in our bodies. It aids digestion and metabolism, and the body’s ability to burn calories. It helps muscles move without cramping, supports vision, brain and kidney function, and maintains blood pressure and body temperature. Lack of water can increase fat deposits, bloating and constipation." (From Divine.ca, Canada's Online Women Magazine)

It got me thinking about the importance of water. Our bodies cannot function without enough water. Water is essential. I can think of times when my body became dehydrated because I did drink enough water. I became weak, irritable, moody, sick....

"Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water."" John 4:13-15

I think recently I've been spiritually dehydrated. I haven't been drawing from the source of living water, but have been trying to dig my own well in the middle of the desert. Ive been wondering around searching. The longer I wonder, the more frustrated I become. The longer I search, the more my desire for water diminishes...the only place I can become hydrated is from being with Jesus. Even when I feel busy and overwhelmed, I need to draw water from Jesus. Even when I can't feel him or don't think He's near, I run to Jesus.

So, this is the beginning of a new season for me. I'm no longer going to wonder around the desert searching for water. I'm going to draw water from the only place where I will no longer become thirsty.

Water is essential.

My time with Jesus is essential.

"Oh Lord I need you. Capture me. Come steal me away. Take me deeper to your heart. Surround me with you love and hold me close and never, never let me go. So close that I can feel your every breath until my heart begins to dance with yours. Never let me go. Won't you take me to a new place, to a realm of mercy and grace where love, love flows heavy. Oh Lord I need you. Capture me. Come steal me away. Take me deeper to your heart. Surround me with your love and hold me close and never, never let me go...Like a waterfall of honey let your love be pured down on me, OVERCOME ME!" --Waterfall by United Pursuit Band

A Beautiful Mess...

Last week was a train wreck. It was hard. I felt and expressed emotions I did not even know existed....

Last year, about this time, my family got word that my Pa's (grandpa) prostate cancer had returned. We always knew this was a possibility, but the possibility had become our reality. The doctors then gave him one to two years to live, if the treatments did not work; and two to five if they did work. So, they started him on chemotherapy treatments and regular visits to Houston. Things have been good, until a few weeks ago. He was then rushed to the ER by my Mimi because Pa was in so much pain. They then found that the cancer is active and has spread and he has multiple tumors on his spine. This was devestating news to my family.

Last week Pa was admitted to M.D. Anderson Hospital in Houston because he was in so much pain from his cancer. The doctors attending him told him there was no hope. We were told that this treatment he was doing was the last one available to try, and if that did not work then hospice would be called in. We were all devestated! Friday night was a terrible night for Pa. He was in so much pain, but faught and made it through the night. Saturday morning, he called my mom, uncles, and Mimi in the room to talk to them. He told them that he did not think he was going to make it through last night. That morning I went up to see him at the hospital. When I walked in the room his face lite up. He then said, "Rebekah, I want to show you something."..He stood up on his own, and then said, with a smirk on his face and slurred together because of the morphine, "See, I'm okay. I'm okay." I then started tearing up, of course; and about 2 o'clock Saturday afternoon he got to go home. :)

Monday night I was in night class and got a call from my mom. I was so nervous to answer, because every phone call I got from her last week was bad news. So, I ran out of class and called her back. Anxiously waiting, she said "Hey! What are you doing", in a tone that was not present last week. She went on to tell me that Pa's doctor had called today and told them some good news. His regular doctor, the one he has seen for a year now, was sick last week so she was not able to see him or attend to him while he was in the hospital last week. His doctor was furious at the doctors that were attending him last week for telling him that this is the end. She then told my grandparents that there are several more treatments we can try for his cancer and she does not think this is the end. She said, "when I think we are coming to the end, I will let you know; but I don't think we are!"

PRAISE THE LORD FOR THAT!!!!!! We have been praying and praying, hundreds of other people have been praying, and the Lord is so GOOD!!!! He has calmed the storm in our family and is covering us with peace. We don't know what the weeks ahead will hold, but right now the Lord is showing favor to my family in answering our cries to Him for help. He has heard every word and is constantly providing comfort and encouragement in this time.

I was in psychology class today and we were talking about symantics and symbols of language and how there are infinite combinations of them to form sentances. Although there are infinite combinations of symantics and symbols, NONE can ever describe the goodness of the Lord!!!!!!!!!

Learning to Feel Again..

Trust is such a fragile thing. According to Provers 3:5, trust is a heart thing. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.." For so long my heart has been so broken that I have not been able to trust. I've been scared. Trying to love people, but terrified that loving people would break my heart even more--scared of not being loved back. I've been trying to love people, but have been completely broken--trying to love people out of my own love for them, but failing because I've been so broken. Because of the past I've been holding back my heart and myself from people. Because of the past I have not been trusting people completely. I only put a little bit of myself out there, but if I feel like I'm being too vulnerable I pull my heart right back into it's safe box. The problem with the safe box is that my heart wasn't able to feel anything but the brokenness from the past. My heart has been in complete darkness and has been sufficating. I haven't let my heart feel anything--joy, sadness, heartbreak, excitement. If ever I have felt anything other than contentment I immediately rebuke the feeling. Whether it's sadness and the tears start coming, or butterflies from a boy and excitement in my heart; I immediately tell my heart to stop. Recently the Lord  so graciously took me back to the root of why I act like this, of why I constantly cover my heart with bubble wrap, and lazor motion detectors, and machine guns, and completely shut down at the smallest sight of danger--a.k.a. feeling. He told me I was trusting people instead of trusting Him. I was placing my heart in the hands of weak and broken people, instead of His strong and steadfast hands.

So, I'm learning that the more I place my heart in His hands and trust Him, the more I am able to trust people. I am confident that my heart is safe and secure in my Father's hands. That doesn't mean I will never be hurt or disappointed, but it does mean that I will never be completely broken. I will never feel hopeless or lost again after putting my heart out there, because my hope is in the Lord.

Trust is a funny thing. The more I trust the Lord, the more my brokennes is healed. The more I am able to feel.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" Psalm 56:3-4

A Beautiful Exchange: Eve

Discipleship school may be over, but the fire the Lord lit inside my heart has not been quenched--it has actually been multiplied. I feel like such a hungry little baby and all I want to do is sit at my Father's feet and let Him feed me. This past week I have been going over teachings from d-school and listening to the teachings that really stirred my heart. While going back over my notes I came across a pink sheet about the women in Bible that Deanna Fields gave us during our "Woman of God" talk. I really enjoyed Deanna's talk and how she told us we have to fight. We were not meant to be women in distress, although sometimes our men need to be able to rescue us. God made us to be warriors just like men. He made us to fight for our families through prayer.

So, I started going over the pink sheet she gave us and it started with Eve. On the sheet there were three columns: Column 1: Women of the Bible--it was the woman, and where you could find them in the Bible; Column 2: what that woman let go of; and Column 3: what that woman picked up in exchange for what she let go of. For example, Eve was the first woman and "she exchanged death for hope of redemption." At first I was a bit confused. I asked myself, "How did Eve pick up hope? She basically lost both her sons after Cain killed Able." So I went back and read the whole story Deanna had written down on the sheet.

As I read I heard the Lord say, "Her hope was in my promise to her, not in her circumstance." This made me think back on Sunday at lifegroup when we split up into groups and talked about what we learned this summer. Something Brett said going along with what he had learned was, "God means what He says. He doesn't just say something and then is like 'Ooops, why'd I say that! Now I have to actually do it. No, He means what He says when He speaks." And this is exactly what Eve held on to.

In Genesis 3:15, the Lord says "...he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel." and then Genesis 4: 25 says, "And Adam knew his wife again, and she bore a son and called his name Seth, for she said, "God has appointed for me another offspring instead of Abel, for Cain killed him." The Lord spoke and said that something would come through Eve (her seed) and stomp the serpent. Eve held tight to the promises of the Lord because she had been with Him and knew His character.

So many times I find myself doubting the things the Lord has told me. I question the things He has prophesied to me through other people and the things He has told me himself. I often find myself saying, "Well, I probably made that up", or "I must have heard wrong, He wouldn't promise me that." Eve has encouraged me to cling tight to the things the Lord has said to me. Even if I heard wrong, clinging to His promises will draw me closer to Him and keep me safe in His arms. Knowing He is faithful and keeps His promises is so freeing, and He longs for us to walk in that freedom!

One of my favorite scriptures of all time.
Isaiah 54:10-14
"For the mountiains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. "O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of agate (jasper/ruby), your gates of carbuncles (crystal), and your wall of precious stones. All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you."

Eve exchanged death for hope of redemption because she clung to the faithfulness of the Lord.

Lord, give me eyes to see and remember your faithfulness in my life. Transform my heart to be so confident in the power of your great love that in all circumstances my hope is in you. I cling to the promises you have spoke over my life. I cling tight to the desires in my heart you have promised to fulfill. Please continue to reveal your faithfulness to me. I trust you. And I love you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Today, I am ready!

Almost 5 days until my dream of going to Africa comes true. This day I will never forget. Not only because I will be going to Uganda, but also because this day represents the Lord's faithfulness to me. When I was very little the Lord wrote "Africa" on my heart. I never knew why, but even when I was lost I would always say, "I'm going to move to Africa," or "I just want to go be with the orphans in Africa." I didn't realize until I started D-school that the reason I always said those things is because the Lord wrote "Africa" on my heart before the beginning of time. And eventhough I was lost and didn't know the Lord, His word spoken over my life was always going to be on my heart. Once I came to know the Lord, He began to give me more of His heart for Africa. The more I seeked His heart, the more He stirred me up.

Now, after a journey of not knowing the Lord, to being radically rocked by His love and His community He has placed in my life; my dream of going to comes true! It seems so surreal to me. I always wanted to go, but never thought it would happen. And now that I am following the Lord and going after His Kingdom, He is taking me to the place that He gave me His heart for. I no longer only get to stand in the gap for those people, but I get to go!

He's letting me go!

I feel like a little kid who has been waiting every since they were in kindergarden to play on the big playground, but they were always told that was for big kids. The little kid who always had to watch the big kids have all the fun playing on the monkey bars, slide down the twisty slide, and jump from tire to tire. But now, my teacher says, "Today, you are ready. You get to go play on the big playground. You get to go to the place you have been dreaming of going ever since you were a little girl." This is how I feel with my trip to Africa. I feel like all those years of waiting to go were the Lord bringing my life into alignment with His plan. It was Him growing me in the things of His kingdom so that when I go I won't just be going. I will be going and the Kingdom of God will be coming with me!

My dad is so faithful in His promises and His timing is perfect!
Thank you Jesus for being patient with me.

Stirred up

Today, at D-school Randy and Callye Boyd came to speak to us. They are a very powerful couple who love the Lord and have a heart for His people. After hearing Callye speak today, I realized I want to be just like her.
She is a woman of God.
She loves the Lord.
She is strong.
She is powerful and walks in the authority Jesus gave her.
She loves well.
And people are drawn to Jesus because of the love she shows them.
She is confident in the promises God has told her.
She walks by faith.
She is humble.
She challenges her family.
She submits to her husband.
She is transparent.
She dies to herself daily and does the will of God.

Lord, teach me to be all these things in my own way. That these things wouldn't lead to comparison, but would challenge me to let you grow me. They would teach me to be transparent. Teach me to love well and uncondiotionally. Only you can transform me Jesus. I want to be more like you. Not my will, but yours be done.

Off-Season Workouts

So, I always was an athlete. I played everything there was to play. Did the hardest workouts of my life, and sometimes extra to get in shape for the specific sport I was in, especially if it was softball. There was an intensity in my workouts because of my passion to be excellent. I can remember staying after off-season workouts to run an extra two miles to be in shape for pitching. (Part of it was I was running away from reality because I didn't want to deal with the boyfriend I had at the time and him getting on to me for not coming to his house right after school. Running gave me an excuse to not talk to him.) But, also part of it was because I wanted to be in tip-top shape for when it was time for me to shine and for all the eyes to be on me as I pitched my heart out on the pitchers mound. I had a passion to be excellent at pitching. I had a passion to see batters swing at my curve ball, to hear the umpire shout "Strike Three! You're Out!!" and do the motion with his hands saying the batter was out. I had a passion to see the batter walk back to the dug out hanging there head down, and for everyone to be shouting for me and what I had just done. I had a passion for my name to be known all around our district for my junk pitches that kept batters on their toes. And I worked hard to be excellent. Many times I would fail or have an off day, but my passion to be excellent was still there. My conviction to be excellent was still there.

Right now, I feel like I am in the "off-season" in this season in my life. Not that I'm not pouring out into people or telling people about Jesus, but that I am in a break from school and the business that comes with taht. And I am in a season of preparation for the future season He is going to take me into. I am preparing for battle. I'm preparing for His glory to shine through me and the gifts He is giving me right now. I am studying hard, reading a lot, and diving deeper with the Lord and learning more about His heart for me and for His people. I have a passion for His name to be glorified in my life. I have a conviction for His name and glory to be spread all around the world like He has always planned. For people to see Him shine brightly in my life, instead of them seeing me. I have a passion for His glory to be spread among the earth and people to know Him and the life He has for them to grab a hold of. "Passion is not a feeling. It is a conviction. Even when we don't feel it we can worship Jesus and lift His name higher because we know He is worthy." (14:12). I have a passion for satan to flee from people's lives and chains to be broken because Jesus gave us all authority and all I have to do is say, "You're out of there!!!!" I have a passion for all peoples to hear the gospel so God can finally send satan back to the burning fire where he belongs. To see him walk with His head down back to his dug out, while the Lord stands on the pitchers mound shining with ALL of His glory! I have a passion for the Lord's name to be lifted high in every nation and for Him to draw nations to himself! (John 12:32) I want to work for the glory of the Lord with intensity and passion for His name to win hearts!

I have an everlasting conviction that Jesus is Lord and He is more than worthy of having control of my life. His name is more than worthy of being lifted high in my life, and being spread among the nations. Even when I don't feel like it. Even when I am tired. Jesus will be lifted higher in my life because He is worthy.

I want to be in tip-top shape for future seasons the Lord has instore for me, and for the battles the Lord has equipped me and continues to equip me in I am facing today. I want the same intensity I had to workout so I could be excellent at pitching, to go deeper with the Lord. The intensity of going after His heart for His will to be done all over the earth.

Jesus, all for your glory I am yours. Not my will, but yours be done. Refine me, remake me, remove my selfishness from me, so that your glory will be known to those around me. And people will come to know you because your radiance shines through me. Not my will, but yours be done.

John 3:30

Father, drench me in Proverbs 31.

"I will no longer be weighted down by friends and family talks with the concern of my biological clock, because I serve the author of time...who is not subject to time, but I am subject to Him. He has the ability to stop, fast forward, or rewind time. If we could role play, you would be Abraham and I would be Sarah; or you would be Isaac and I would be Rebekah--a servan'ts answered prayer. I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, made up of your rib Adam. And once we meet, like electrons, I will be drawn to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom....We were all made in His image, but you have the ability to refect, project, and even detect the Son. If I were to explain what you were to look like, you'd have to be a star. A son of the Son. I would gain energy simply by the light that you shine on me. I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis....I will wait for you.

And I will know you, because when you speak...
I will be reminded of Solomon's wisdom.
Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses.
Your faith will remind me of Abraham.
Your confidence in God's word will remind me of Daniel.
Your inspiration will remind me of Paul.
Your heart for God will remind me of David.
Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah.
Your integrity will remind me of Joseph.
Your ability to abandon your own will will remind me of the disciples.
And your ability to love selflessly and uncondionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won't need to identify you by any special math piece, or any special marks; because His word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will fine me where the boldness of Ester meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary, which is ingulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah.

I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31.

Waiting for you."

These are not my words, but this aligns perfectly with my heart. I desire all these things. I desire these characteristics in a man, and I also desire to be anything like these noble women who love the Lord.

But more than anything, I desire to submit to the will of my Father. The author of the greatest love story of all time. I desire to trust Him completely, and wait on Him patiently. He is the only one who truly satisfies my every desire, and who continues to faithfully pursue every corner of my heart. I trust Him. I love Him. So even if He calls me to a life of singleness, I will be satisfied in His love. I will be giddy in His presence and tickled by His touch.

Whatever He may have instore for me, I trust His heart and plan for me.

I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31 not for the approval of man, but to bring joy to my Father.

(Here is the website for the poem. The whole thing is powerful. Her words are powerful and the way the Lord speaks through her is powerful.)
http://theresurgence.com/2011/04/06/a-poem-for-all-single-people-pass-it-on