Learning to Feel Again..

Trust is such a fragile thing. According to Provers 3:5, trust is a heart thing. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.." For so long my heart has been so broken that I have not been able to trust. I've been scared. Trying to love people, but terrified that loving people would break my heart even more--scared of not being loved back. I've been trying to love people, but have been completely broken--trying to love people out of my own love for them, but failing because I've been so broken. Because of the past I've been holding back my heart and myself from people. Because of the past I have not been trusting people completely. I only put a little bit of myself out there, but if I feel like I'm being too vulnerable I pull my heart right back into it's safe box. The problem with the safe box is that my heart wasn't able to feel anything but the brokenness from the past. My heart has been in complete darkness and has been sufficating. I haven't let my heart feel anything--joy, sadness, heartbreak, excitement. If ever I have felt anything other than contentment I immediately rebuke the feeling. Whether it's sadness and the tears start coming, or butterflies from a boy and excitement in my heart; I immediately tell my heart to stop. Recently the Lord  so graciously took me back to the root of why I act like this, of why I constantly cover my heart with bubble wrap, and lazor motion detectors, and machine guns, and completely shut down at the smallest sight of danger--a.k.a. feeling. He told me I was trusting people instead of trusting Him. I was placing my heart in the hands of weak and broken people, instead of His strong and steadfast hands.

So, I'm learning that the more I place my heart in His hands and trust Him, the more I am able to trust people. I am confident that my heart is safe and secure in my Father's hands. That doesn't mean I will never be hurt or disappointed, but it does mean that I will never be completely broken. I will never feel hopeless or lost again after putting my heart out there, because my hope is in the Lord.

Trust is a funny thing. The more I trust the Lord, the more my brokennes is healed. The more I am able to feel.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" Psalm 56:3-4