15 Days of Sorrow....

"A time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" Ecclesiastes 3: 3-4

December 27, 2011 was a time of weeping.

January 7, 2012 started a time of mourning.

The promise I cling to is after the weeping there is laughter. And after the mourning there is dancing.

I love to laugh.
I'm a terrible dancer, but I love to dance.

Enough

"Your grace is sufficient for me.
Your strength is made perfect when I am weak.
All that I cling to I lay at your feet.
Your grace is sufficient for me."
By: Shane & Shane

"Sufficient"--adj. Enough, adequate

I look around me and everyone is dating, engaged, or married...
Then I ask myself...
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why is no one pursuing me?"
"Am I not attractive?"
"Am I not funny enough?"
"Am I not lovable?"
"God, why is it not time for me? What else do I need to work on? What else? I'm being faithful. I'm not sleeping around. I'm not running around flirting with every boy I'm around. What else do I have to do??!!!"
At this point I can honestly say I'm getting angry and impatient.
Then I hear a still soft voice that says, "My grace is sufficient for you. Am I not enough?"
Me: "I thought we'd been through this. Of course you're enough God. Of course you are."
God: "Okay, then let me be enough in every area of your life. Let me be enough for your heart sweet daughter."

I feel like me and God go through this conversation often. I know He never gets tired of it, but I sure do. I get tired of struggling to let the Lord be enough. I get tired of being frustrated that He is the only one to tell me I'm beautiful, that I'm lovable, that I'm enough---Why can't I just let Him be enough? Why can't I just let His words be the only ones that matter? Why do I long for someone to tell me the things the Lord already does? Why?.....

Why can't I let His grace be sufficient for me
Why can't I let Him be enough?

Living Water

Recently I've gone on a health kit. I've been loving reading about new exercises, tips for runners, and nutrition. Today I read an interesting fact about water. I'm sure I've heard it before, but today I looked at it in a different way.

"Our body, like the earth, is 60 per cent to 70 per cent water. We float in water even before we’re born. Survival is possible for a few weeks without food, but for only a few days without water. About two litres of water is lost daily through breathing, sweating and kidney function. Water is part of every cell in our bodies. It aids digestion and metabolism, and the body’s ability to burn calories. It helps muscles move without cramping, supports vision, brain and kidney function, and maintains blood pressure and body temperature. Lack of water can increase fat deposits, bloating and constipation." (From Divine.ca, Canada's Online Women Magazine)

It got me thinking about the importance of water. Our bodies cannot function without enough water. Water is essential. I can think of times when my body became dehydrated because I did drink enough water. I became weak, irritable, moody, sick....

"Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water."" John 4:13-15

I think recently I've been spiritually dehydrated. I haven't been drawing from the source of living water, but have been trying to dig my own well in the middle of the desert. Ive been wondering around searching. The longer I wonder, the more frustrated I become. The longer I search, the more my desire for water diminishes...the only place I can become hydrated is from being with Jesus. Even when I feel busy and overwhelmed, I need to draw water from Jesus. Even when I can't feel him or don't think He's near, I run to Jesus.

So, this is the beginning of a new season for me. I'm no longer going to wonder around the desert searching for water. I'm going to draw water from the only place where I will no longer become thirsty.

Water is essential.

My time with Jesus is essential.

"Oh Lord I need you. Capture me. Come steal me away. Take me deeper to your heart. Surround me with you love and hold me close and never, never let me go. So close that I can feel your every breath until my heart begins to dance with yours. Never let me go. Won't you take me to a new place, to a realm of mercy and grace where love, love flows heavy. Oh Lord I need you. Capture me. Come steal me away. Take me deeper to your heart. Surround me with your love and hold me close and never, never let me go...Like a waterfall of honey let your love be pured down on me, OVERCOME ME!" --Waterfall by United Pursuit Band

A Beautiful Mess...

Last week was a train wreck. It was hard. I felt and expressed emotions I did not even know existed....

Last year, about this time, my family got word that my Pa's (grandpa) prostate cancer had returned. We always knew this was a possibility, but the possibility had become our reality. The doctors then gave him one to two years to live, if the treatments did not work; and two to five if they did work. So, they started him on chemotherapy treatments and regular visits to Houston. Things have been good, until a few weeks ago. He was then rushed to the ER by my Mimi because Pa was in so much pain. They then found that the cancer is active and has spread and he has multiple tumors on his spine. This was devestating news to my family.

Last week Pa was admitted to M.D. Anderson Hospital in Houston because he was in so much pain from his cancer. The doctors attending him told him there was no hope. We were told that this treatment he was doing was the last one available to try, and if that did not work then hospice would be called in. We were all devestated! Friday night was a terrible night for Pa. He was in so much pain, but faught and made it through the night. Saturday morning, he called my mom, uncles, and Mimi in the room to talk to them. He told them that he did not think he was going to make it through last night. That morning I went up to see him at the hospital. When I walked in the room his face lite up. He then said, "Rebekah, I want to show you something."..He stood up on his own, and then said, with a smirk on his face and slurred together because of the morphine, "See, I'm okay. I'm okay." I then started tearing up, of course; and about 2 o'clock Saturday afternoon he got to go home. :)

Monday night I was in night class and got a call from my mom. I was so nervous to answer, because every phone call I got from her last week was bad news. So, I ran out of class and called her back. Anxiously waiting, she said "Hey! What are you doing", in a tone that was not present last week. She went on to tell me that Pa's doctor had called today and told them some good news. His regular doctor, the one he has seen for a year now, was sick last week so she was not able to see him or attend to him while he was in the hospital last week. His doctor was furious at the doctors that were attending him last week for telling him that this is the end. She then told my grandparents that there are several more treatments we can try for his cancer and she does not think this is the end. She said, "when I think we are coming to the end, I will let you know; but I don't think we are!"

PRAISE THE LORD FOR THAT!!!!!! We have been praying and praying, hundreds of other people have been praying, and the Lord is so GOOD!!!! He has calmed the storm in our family and is covering us with peace. We don't know what the weeks ahead will hold, but right now the Lord is showing favor to my family in answering our cries to Him for help. He has heard every word and is constantly providing comfort and encouragement in this time.

I was in psychology class today and we were talking about symantics and symbols of language and how there are infinite combinations of them to form sentances. Although there are infinite combinations of symantics and symbols, NONE can ever describe the goodness of the Lord!!!!!!!!!

Learning to Feel Again..

Trust is such a fragile thing. According to Provers 3:5, trust is a heart thing. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.." For so long my heart has been so broken that I have not been able to trust. I've been scared. Trying to love people, but terrified that loving people would break my heart even more--scared of not being loved back. I've been trying to love people, but have been completely broken--trying to love people out of my own love for them, but failing because I've been so broken. Because of the past I've been holding back my heart and myself from people. Because of the past I have not been trusting people completely. I only put a little bit of myself out there, but if I feel like I'm being too vulnerable I pull my heart right back into it's safe box. The problem with the safe box is that my heart wasn't able to feel anything but the brokenness from the past. My heart has been in complete darkness and has been sufficating. I haven't let my heart feel anything--joy, sadness, heartbreak, excitement. If ever I have felt anything other than contentment I immediately rebuke the feeling. Whether it's sadness and the tears start coming, or butterflies from a boy and excitement in my heart; I immediately tell my heart to stop. Recently the Lord  so graciously took me back to the root of why I act like this, of why I constantly cover my heart with bubble wrap, and lazor motion detectors, and machine guns, and completely shut down at the smallest sight of danger--a.k.a. feeling. He told me I was trusting people instead of trusting Him. I was placing my heart in the hands of weak and broken people, instead of His strong and steadfast hands.

So, I'm learning that the more I place my heart in His hands and trust Him, the more I am able to trust people. I am confident that my heart is safe and secure in my Father's hands. That doesn't mean I will never be hurt or disappointed, but it does mean that I will never be completely broken. I will never feel hopeless or lost again after putting my heart out there, because my hope is in the Lord.

Trust is a funny thing. The more I trust the Lord, the more my brokennes is healed. The more I am able to feel.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" Psalm 56:3-4

A Beautiful Exchange: Eve

Discipleship school may be over, but the fire the Lord lit inside my heart has not been quenched--it has actually been multiplied. I feel like such a hungry little baby and all I want to do is sit at my Father's feet and let Him feed me. This past week I have been going over teachings from d-school and listening to the teachings that really stirred my heart. While going back over my notes I came across a pink sheet about the women in Bible that Deanna Fields gave us during our "Woman of God" talk. I really enjoyed Deanna's talk and how she told us we have to fight. We were not meant to be women in distress, although sometimes our men need to be able to rescue us. God made us to be warriors just like men. He made us to fight for our families through prayer.

So, I started going over the pink sheet she gave us and it started with Eve. On the sheet there were three columns: Column 1: Women of the Bible--it was the woman, and where you could find them in the Bible; Column 2: what that woman let go of; and Column 3: what that woman picked up in exchange for what she let go of. For example, Eve was the first woman and "she exchanged death for hope of redemption." At first I was a bit confused. I asked myself, "How did Eve pick up hope? She basically lost both her sons after Cain killed Able." So I went back and read the whole story Deanna had written down on the sheet.

As I read I heard the Lord say, "Her hope was in my promise to her, not in her circumstance." This made me think back on Sunday at lifegroup when we split up into groups and talked about what we learned this summer. Something Brett said going along with what he had learned was, "God means what He says. He doesn't just say something and then is like 'Ooops, why'd I say that! Now I have to actually do it. No, He means what He says when He speaks." And this is exactly what Eve held on to.

In Genesis 3:15, the Lord says "...he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel." and then Genesis 4: 25 says, "And Adam knew his wife again, and she bore a son and called his name Seth, for she said, "God has appointed for me another offspring instead of Abel, for Cain killed him." The Lord spoke and said that something would come through Eve (her seed) and stomp the serpent. Eve held tight to the promises of the Lord because she had been with Him and knew His character.

So many times I find myself doubting the things the Lord has told me. I question the things He has prophesied to me through other people and the things He has told me himself. I often find myself saying, "Well, I probably made that up", or "I must have heard wrong, He wouldn't promise me that." Eve has encouraged me to cling tight to the things the Lord has said to me. Even if I heard wrong, clinging to His promises will draw me closer to Him and keep me safe in His arms. Knowing He is faithful and keeps His promises is so freeing, and He longs for us to walk in that freedom!

One of my favorite scriptures of all time.
Isaiah 54:10-14
"For the mountiains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. "O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of agate (jasper/ruby), your gates of carbuncles (crystal), and your wall of precious stones. All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you."

Eve exchanged death for hope of redemption because she clung to the faithfulness of the Lord.

Lord, give me eyes to see and remember your faithfulness in my life. Transform my heart to be so confident in the power of your great love that in all circumstances my hope is in you. I cling to the promises you have spoke over my life. I cling tight to the desires in my heart you have promised to fulfill. Please continue to reveal your faithfulness to me. I trust you. And I love you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Today, I am ready!

Almost 5 days until my dream of going to Africa comes true. This day I will never forget. Not only because I will be going to Uganda, but also because this day represents the Lord's faithfulness to me. When I was very little the Lord wrote "Africa" on my heart. I never knew why, but even when I was lost I would always say, "I'm going to move to Africa," or "I just want to go be with the orphans in Africa." I didn't realize until I started D-school that the reason I always said those things is because the Lord wrote "Africa" on my heart before the beginning of time. And eventhough I was lost and didn't know the Lord, His word spoken over my life was always going to be on my heart. Once I came to know the Lord, He began to give me more of His heart for Africa. The more I seeked His heart, the more He stirred me up.

Now, after a journey of not knowing the Lord, to being radically rocked by His love and His community He has placed in my life; my dream of going to comes true! It seems so surreal to me. I always wanted to go, but never thought it would happen. And now that I am following the Lord and going after His Kingdom, He is taking me to the place that He gave me His heart for. I no longer only get to stand in the gap for those people, but I get to go!

He's letting me go!

I feel like a little kid who has been waiting every since they were in kindergarden to play on the big playground, but they were always told that was for big kids. The little kid who always had to watch the big kids have all the fun playing on the monkey bars, slide down the twisty slide, and jump from tire to tire. But now, my teacher says, "Today, you are ready. You get to go play on the big playground. You get to go to the place you have been dreaming of going ever since you were a little girl." This is how I feel with my trip to Africa. I feel like all those years of waiting to go were the Lord bringing my life into alignment with His plan. It was Him growing me in the things of His kingdom so that when I go I won't just be going. I will be going and the Kingdom of God will be coming with me!

My dad is so faithful in His promises and His timing is perfect!
Thank you Jesus for being patient with me.