Give Me Faith

"Give me faith to trust what you say that You're good and Your love is great.."

I've sung these words so many times but never thought God would take them so literal. Right now I'm in a season of growth in my faith. Things are happening in my life that I do not at all understand. I don't understand why one of my best friends has to bury her mom when she's 22 years old. I don't understand why there are starving kids in Africa but every where you look there's an all-you-can-eat buffet or a place that you can supersize something. Or how I can take a clean, hot shower every day, three times a day sometimes, yet there are places that don't even have running water OR clean water...I don't understand this. I don't understand how such a loving God can let terrible things happen to his children. I don't understand how people, Gods children who are so loved and fortunate, can be so greedy and hateful. I don't understand why God lets there be war and murder and hatred. How girls can feel inadequate every day because of this society we live in and never know their true value as beautiful daughters of a mighty king....I just don't understand...

I just don't...and I don't think I ever will...

I can beat myself up and get depressed and by all these things I will never understand, or I can have faith.

I can have faith that God is good and that He loves me. Me! He loves me more than I could ever imagine. He gives me hope. I can have faith that He is faithful and generous. That He is just and fair when nothing else in the world is. And that he is kind, oh my God is so kind and sweet to me. That He comforts me and is never far away. That He separated me from my sin as far as the east is from the west. That I have the hope and strength to face tomorrow because He's faithful and has already crushed my enemy. He's already WON and all I have to do is receive His love and receive His grace!!!!

That doesn't mean there won't be hard times, because there are. But the sweetness of the hard times is that joy comes in the morning. And there's always sun after the rain no matter what I may feel in the moment. God knows me better than I know myself and He knows what I need.

Faith is about trusting Him when I can't see the whole picture.
It's about knowing His heart---and I know His heart is for me because He loves me.

Faith isn't about understanding. It's about obedience. It's about trust. Faith is about surrendering and submitting.

So Lord, give me faith to TRUST what you say that you're good and your love is great...

Trust and Other Hard Things...

A sweet family friend of mine gave me a daily devotional called Jesus Calling. Now, I'm not one who usually does daily devotionals. I just didn't like them and that it makes me feel like if I read that one page I'm done with my time with Jesus for the day. But this one has been different. EVERY time I read it it's exactly what I need to hear....Every time!

Most of the things I read are about trust. I've always had a hard time with trusting. I think it has to do with my fear of giving up control, because if I can't do it on my own then I can't control it and if I can't control it then I don't know what the outcome is going to be....Jesus has been speaking to me a lot about that....March 18, 21, 26, 29....April 2, 7, 8, 10, 12, and 15....

Today's devotional about trust couldn't have come soon enough.
It says, "Trust me, and do not be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure. When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities. Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new. I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom. Say yes to the ways I work in your life. Trust Me, and don't be afraid."

"When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities."


I really don't like to give up control....I think because for so long someone else was telling me what to do, what to wear, and what to eat that now having me give up control is like pulling teeth. I don't like it. It's hard for me. It's especially hard for me to give up control of things that I know I have NO control over anyways. Today, one of my best friend's parents were in a car accident. Her dad is okay, but they're not saying it's good for her mom. I so badly want to go and fix everything. I want to heal her mom and put everything back to normal. I want to make her broken heart better and keep her from feeling this hurt and pain and suffering---but I can't. I can't do anything. I'm stuck in Abilene and can't do anything. All I can do is pray and trust that the Lord will be faithful to His word that He is our comfort.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's suffering, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for our comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7


I think in the midst of suffering I forget about the eternal comfort that I have....I think it's because I know it's not suppose to be like this. We're not suppose to suffer like this. People aren't suppose to die from being miserable and fighting cancer or suddenly have to fight for their lives because of a car accident. We're not suppose to have to mourn for those we love. We aren't suppose to grieve like this. WE WEREN'T CREATED FOR THIS! WE WERE CREATED FOR MORE! We were created for heavenly things, but we were selfish and greedy and had to reach for something God told us not to. And because of that we mourn. We suffer. We grieve. And we wait for the day when Jesus comes back riding on a cloud, trumpet roaring in air, and takes us home, forever. Where there is no more pain or sorrow or  hurt or jealousy or grief or despair or impatience or abuse or worthlessness or suicide or accidents. Everything is on purpose and everything is beautiful. And we will worship the Lord forever and ever. We will be restored to glory and finally be home.

It seems to me the closer we get to that day, the more suffering we endure. There seems to be more suffering in this world. The people I love are suffering more. I am grieving more....the day the Lord comes will be the most beautiful day!

Until that day we try and trust the Lord.
We try to trust His plan.
We try to give up control.
We try to stop trying to understand...
And we cling to the only hope we have. The hope found in our savior Jesus Christ, who will one day come and rescue us from this earth.

I cannot wait for the day when I hear the loud trumpet sound, brightness fills the earth, and I see my true love riding on a cloud to come and rescue me. To come and take me home. To lift me out of the hurt and pains of this world. I cannot wait for that day....

Lord, please come quickly!!!

Jeremiah 29:11

For the past few months I have watched my roommates walk into completely different seasons of life. Seasons where they are having to trust the Lord with the plans for the future and not rely on their own ability to make something happen...I haven't really thought much about it because I had a whole other year in school. Had? Yes, I said had....I found out a few Thursdays ago that wasn't the case anymore. I no longer would be graduating in May, but DECEMBER! Talk about shock! I will admit, I freaked out when I first got the news. I was scared, anxious, excited, shocked, terrified, happy, and felt like I was going to vomit all at the same time. I didn't have a year to plan or save or anything anymore. In less than a year I would graduate and have to leave the place I have called home for the past three years.

Needless to say, Jeremiah 29:11 was the last thing to come to mind....

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. then you will all upon me and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD..." 

We all have heard it a million times, especially in times like I had on Thursday. Times where we have NO idea what we are going to do with our lives. No idea of where we're going to live or work or what we're going to do. I have NO idea what this next season of life will look like for me. I do know a few things though. 

1. I know the Lord already knows and I trust Him because of who He is.
2. I know I love kids (especially teenagers) and want to spend the rest of my life serving them.
3. I know I'm willing to do whatever the Lord wants.
4. And, I know all I want is for people to come to know Jesus!

Other than those four things, I don't know what the future holds. I know that the Lord has placed on my heart, and that's teenagers and sharing the gospel with them. I know He's given me a heart for Africa and a heart to battle for people in prayer. Other than that.....I trust Him. 

I trust Him no matter what this next season holds. 

I trust Him and His plan for me because He knows me better than I know myself.

I trust Him because of who He is and not because of anything I have done...

I trust Him completely.

Psalm 23.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters, 

He restore my soul, 

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 

I will fear no evil, 

for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, 

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; 

you anoint my heard with oil; 

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, 

and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

A Simple Shower...

We've all gone through things that have made us into the person we are today. Some have been encouraging and others wounding, but either way we grow from the experiences. Recently the Lord has been so sweet to show me real life examples of how He has healed my wounds and how I have grown from them....He's so sweet to do that for me because a lot of the time I get frustrated and don't understand why I've gone through some things I have. Sometimes I forget to look back and see how He has used my mistakes for his glory. I get selfish and make it about me when it's totally and completely about Him. He just chooses to use me in my gross sin and weakness...

Side note, Now back to what I was saying about what He showed me... :)

One specific example that I cannot stop thinking about has to do with taking a shower.
In one of my past relationships my boyfriend was very jealous and possessive, which caused him to be abusive. He would do ridiculous things to me and one of them was time to me when I took a shower. For some irrational reason he thought if I took longer than a 5 minute shower I was cheating on him. Eventhough I was in my own house with my parents...So if I wasn't done with my shower within five minutes I would come back to a phone of 30 text messages and 10 missed calls...ridiculous I know. But for the past five years  I have been taking 5 minute showers without realizing it I would get in and out as fast as I could. Because it was what I had always done....

Wednesday night was different....I didn't jump in and out of the shower...and I didn't feel guilty about it either. I seriously stood in the shower for 25 minutes. Just standing there, smiling. I realized at that moment when I didn't feel fear or guilt that I was FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!

After five years of him having control over parts of my life I finally was free! Every part of my life was free from his abuse and control!!! Free from his pressure and from his lies he fed me for so many years! Free from lies like "No one will every love you like I love you" or "You're not pretty enough for anyone else" or "you're not worth loving", "you're fat" or "you deserve this" or "this is all your fault"--I'm free from those not because I'm in another relationship (because I'm not) or because I found fulfillment in another person, but because I finally trust Jesus with every part of my life. I trust him with my future, my present, and my past. For so long I have quoted Jeremiah 29:11, but did not truly believe the words I was saying....Now I do. Now I trust Jesus with my past because His word says that he separates us from our sin as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). He has covered my past with His blood! I knew this before but was holding on to the past because I always had. I guess I was comfortable with it and comfortable living in fear of guys and what they could do to me.

But now, I have given my past to Jesus. I have given my past to Jesus. I have given Him the hurt and the happiness. All the memories I give to Him and am okay with whatever He wants to do with them. I trust Jesus with my past and have surrendered it to Him. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to live in fear of getting hurt in any way anymore. I'm ready to see what Jesus has planned for me.

I'm ready to see the beauty He'll make from these ashes because He is faithful. He's faithful even when I am not. He's faithful because that is who He is. I trust Jesus with my past because of who He is.

I trust Jesus with my past because now when I look in the mirror I no longer see an unlovable, ugly girl--I see a lovely, beautiful daughter of the Mighty King of this universe who is worthy of love because of what He has done for her! I've seen His faithfulness and know He will never change!!!


“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 

20 Random Things

So, I'm pretty random, quirky and I like really random things. My mom calls me "well-rounded", but you know moms, they all think their babies are something special. Lol

I'm gonna tell y'all 20 random things about me...

1. I absolutely LOVE Jesus. He has won my heart and holds it forever. I'll never love anyone or anything more than I love Him. He has saved me from death and never fails to give me joy and peace in times of trials. He has proved himself worthy of my life and heart by all He's done for me.

2. I have the best family in the world! We have been through so much the past couple of months and through it all, we have grown to love each other more. I think we've learned what it means to be selfless and pick each other up when things aren't going the way we planned for them to go.

3. I hardly ever get mad and if I ever do I can't stay mad for very long. I don't see the point in anger--it takes away from the beauty of life. Life is precious and priceless, and anger tips the joy of life away.

4. Baking is my favorite form of therapy. I love it. It's relaxing to me. I like to bake for other people, I guess it's a way I show love.

5. I love painting. I get very self conscious of my painting because I don't think they are very good, but painting is a way I worship the Lord. I love reading verses and letting the Lord give me a picture in my imagination and then putting it on canvas.

6. Sunflowers are my favorite flower. I'd take them over roses any day!!!

7. I'm a little kid at heart. I don't take things too seriously, unless I know I have to. I like to play on playgrounds (swinging is my favorite), to watch Disney movies, and to color. Life is too precious to not have fun!

8. I have a huge screw in my fifth metatarsal.

9. My favorite color is blue, but favorite color to wear is black (no, I'm not gothic, just classy).

10. Africa is my favorite place in the world. I haven't been many other places, but I know it's my favorite. I live the people, the culture, and the land. It's beautiful!

11. My dream would to one day open a home for women and children who are "stuck" in abusive relationships. I think I have gone through certain things in my life to be able to relate to these people, and have a heart to make them know their worth and value, and that they shouldn't be treated like this.

12. My other dream would be to be a public speaker to promote awareness I what abusive teenage relationships look like and to share my story with teenage girls all over.

13. I have curly hair. I usually wear it straight, but it's naturally curly.

14. I played softball for 14 years and miss it every day.

15. Baseball is my favorite! I have this dream to go to every baseball stadium in america before I die.

16. Spring is my favorite season. It just makes you feel happy and like its a season of new beginnings.

17. I can't wait to be a mom and wife one day. I can't wait to get to serve and love someone selflessly for the rest of my life!

18. I'm a terrible dancer, but I love it!!

19. I sing really loud in the car by myself to all different kinds of music, anything but screemo and techno!

20. I really hate talking about myself. I'd rather listen to someone else talk, but I do talk a lot.

30 Things

So I kinda stole these questions from another girl's blog I found on Pinterest. I thought it would be fun to answer these questions about myself: dreams, passions, hopes, strengths, weaknesses, etc...This could potentially be hilarious for me and for whoever reads this.

Here's the questions: 

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamics of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Tattoos & Scars

We all have scars--internal and external we all have them. The external ones may be from falling off a bike or breaking a bone and having surgery. And the internal, well we live in a broken world, so we've all had our heart broken once or twice...

Today at work I was looking at my feet...weird I know, but sometimes there's nothing better to do when you're lifeguarding an empty pool....I looked at my left foot and saw a few scars. One particularly got me thinking. It was the scar from when I got a thorn in my foot in Uganda, Africa and had to go to the hospital....yes, the Ugandan hospital! I was reminded of how faithful the Lord was in using the unfortunate discouraging event and using it for me to experience His love. I remember sitting in the emergency room with a child screaming a bed over (we think he was being circumcised but that's besides the point) and my mind could do only one thing...and that was pray! The Lord taught me during that time that in the craziness and when life gets loud to just pray. Talk to the man One who has my heart and can bring peace and comfort...I needed to hear this today. The Lord knew it...maybe that's why he made no one come in the pool for so long :)

My reflection on internal scars goes with my tattoo story, so I'll get to that in a second. I have two tattoos, yes, I said it, two. One I got when I turned 18 as an act of rebellion because I knew my parents would hate it. And the other is on my wrist. It says "Love 1 Cor. 13"...or at least that's what it's supposed to say. It actually says, "Love 1 Chor 13"...if you know me, you know I'm a TERRIBLE speller, and when I say terrible I mean really really TERRIBLE! So being a terrible speller didn't help the fact that I hadn't opens my bible in probably a year....so when I went to get my tattoo I drew it out and as soon as I knew it it was permanent. I went home, opened my bible and found that my tattoo was misspelled. Yes, MISSPELLED!!! Theres no H in Corinthians, well not at the beginning at least. So I laughed for a second, and then I cried for longer than that. I thought of what an idiot I would look like when I showed people and how they'd laugh at me. So for the longed time I tried to cover it up and when people saw it I'd get really nervous about whether they'd even notice it or not. Then one day I showed a friend and she pointed out what a cool story it is and what a reminder of how far the Lord has brought me...so every time I see it I think of the deep pit the Lord drew me out of and how I am so thankful He did.

When I see it I think of all the times my heart has been broken, and how the Lord has restored it every time. My heart has been broken in the past from an abusive ex-boyfriend and hurtful words from the world around me, and recently from losing my Pa-a man I look up to and love so much. But my scars make me thankful, not afraid to live life, but thankful that I have a mighty God who restores the broken hearted and comforts those who mourn.

So when you look at your scars remember the past, remember what caused them, and be thankful for where the Lord has brought you from. Remember the faithfulness of Jesus and how He never leaves. Never.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned." Psalm 34:18, 19, 22